Love?
by blisslikethis
Summary: Buffy is trying to decide if she really loves Spike... or if it's something else... B/S of course!! (FINALLY FINISHED!!! WOO HOO!! *does a happy "I'm finshed" dance*)
1. Chapter 1

Title: Love? (Yes, I've changed it. it used to be: Fury.)  
  
Author: darkflame. or just Steph ; )  
  
Email: Stargurl006@aol.com  
  
Pairing: Buffy/Spike  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoilers: None really. I kind of went off on my own.  
  
Disclaimer: These really aren't my characters. but I can still pretend Spike is mine. lol.  
  
Summary: Buffy is trying to decide whether or not she really loves Spike. It's mostly from Spike's point of view but Buffy has her turn too.  
  
A/N: In this story, Spike is Buffy's very first lover. Forget her history surrounding Angel, it didn't happen here. Also I wasn't sure about the love scene, but I like it so. if you don't like that kind stuff then don't read this. To those of you who do. ::smiles:: it's pretty good, but not descriptive, so don't worry! Check the PG-13 rating. : ) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Buffy leans into Spike's chest, as his arms pull her closer. She listens for his heartbeat but hears none. She pulls away her eyes wide and sad, tears threatening to fall. "What's the matter luv?" She breaks free of his embrace and turns away. "Nothing," she mumbles. Spike tries to turn her around and unwillingly she faces him. "Now come on, what's the matter Buffy?" He looks into her eyes, searching for what her mouth is reluctant to tell him. She sighs, "Spike I just can't get used to this." "This?" he looks at her hard, his features dropping, "What do you mean this?" Buffy turns away again and stares at the wall. "You," she says flatly. Spike can't think of what to say. He wants to kiss away all her pain but he knows Buffy won't let him. She never would. She always pulls away; just when things are looking good off she goes. He cries. Spike cries every time she leaves. The tears are dry but they are there all the same. It rips him to shreds how she plays with him, he only wished he could tell her. Spike wished he could tell Buffy just how much he aches for her. He has told her he loves her but it has changed nothing. Well it has changed some things but not the way Buffy always treats him, like he is beneath her.  
  
"You, the way you are," Buffy continues finally, "The way I am." Her tears break the surface and then she breaks into sobs. "I j-just can't d-deal with it." She gets up shakily and starts towards the door. "Buffy!" Spike calls, "Please don't leave!" She doesn't turn around, "I-I have t-to, I just can't be h-here now." She opens the door slowly and then quickly goes out and slams it shut. He knows she's running, running away from him, and trying to run away from everything. He slides down in the bed and lies on his back. He stares at the ceiling trying to remember how many times this has happened.  
  
Fury unfolds inside of him. He jumps up and begins to throw bottles and chairs and he yells. His face transforms into a vampire. A growl unfurls from the depths of his chest and he lets it echo in his crypt. He continues to throw and kick, yell and punch. But soon his energy is drained, not physically but emotionally. He falls against the wall and let's loose one last anguish cry before his face melts back into a man's. He sits on the floor and his shoulders heave. Then his eyes close with the weight of it all.  
  
Hours later he wakes up from his half dream sleep. It was weird. Images are filtered passed his eyes but never slow enough for him to piece their meaning together. He believes they are simply fragmented memories he just can't decipher anymore. His human self died so long ago, it's a wonder he can remember anything at all.  
  
Spike stifles a yawn, stands up and stretches, more out of habit then necessity. His muscles are a bit sore but the pain only flickers through his body before it fades. He looks about the room and is taken aback at how he trashed it. Most of his liquor bottles lay shattered on the floor. "Bloody hell," he mumbles to himself. Instead of trying to clean it up he grabs his leather jacket and stalks out into the night.  
  
Outside the wind is wicked. It wipes against his cheeks sending shivers down his spine. You would think because he is a child of darkness he'd be numb to the cold by now. But no, that's what tortures him, the sun and the cold. He does relish the night though. Clouds blanket the moon and stars dot the sky. He doesn't notice. It's around midnight. He's hoping the Slayer will be around. It is kind of late but it wouldn't be a surprise to find her out here on patrol.  
  
Luck. She's out. He can feel her coming. "Slayer?" he whispers. He knows by now she would have felt his presence too, he's very close, but he can't quite see her yet. Then all of a sudden she's right in front of him. "I knew someone." she trails off from vicious to soft, her head drops, "was out here," she finishes loosely. She begins to turn and he knows she's going to run again. "Wait!" this time Spike grabs her shoulder. She tries to shake it off. Anger drips into her voice, "Let.go of me!!" She wretches her arm free and runs. Spike's gulps and runs after her. "Buffy!!" he yells, "Buffy! I only want to talk!" She ignores him and picks up speed heading towards the woods.  
  
He tears after her and finally catches up to her. He pulls her towards him and tackles her to the ground. They land on the forest floor in a blanket of wet leaves. He sees her tears. "Stop.stop" she breathes. "Don't. please. go away." But she doesn't struggle in his grasp. She simply stays in his lap breathing hard, tears flowing. He drapes his arms around her, and she presses against him. Neither of them says a word. Comfortable silence envelopes them. 


	2. Chapter 2

Spike later wakes up with Buffy cradled in his lap. He sighs with content and gentle runs his fingertips over her eyelids. Her eyes flutter open and her voice is choked with sleep. "Wha? Spike?" She blinks and it takes a few minutes for her to get her bearings. "Spike?!?" she wrenches herself away from him in disgust. "What the hell are you doing?!?" He is shocked until he realizes the old Slayer is back. "Should have known better… you wouldn't stay for long." He stands up and backs away staring at her, trying to read her thoughts. "I don't remember…," Her anger fades slowly, "Hmm… actually… I do," she lets a smile trickle onto her face. "Last night… you…" Then suddenly Spike feels a burning sensation travel quickly across his back. The sun is starting to pour through the trees surrounding them. "Pet… before you start reminiscing… I thought you'd like to know that the sun's coming." A mild look of confusion strikes Buffy's face, before it dawns on her. "Oh yeah, the vampire thing. We'd better get going!" "Uh, yeah that'd be about right," Spike answers, his voice dripping in sarcasm. He starts running to his crypt, Buffy coming slowly behind him, confused and bewildered at what had just happened.  
  
They finally reach the door of Spike's crypt. He flings the door open, and runs in cursing. "Damn," Spike looks around the room seeing the broken glass and the disarray, "I forgot about all this mess." Buffy takes a moment to look around. She instantly forgets the woods. "What happened in here? A fight?" She shuts the door and picks her way over to Spike. He leans against the wall staring the ceiling. He sighs. "No, not exactly." Spike stares at her waiting for her to say something else. "So… what exactly happened?" "Oh… nothing." Buffy thinks for a moment. "Did you do it?"  
  
Spike looks at her sheepishly, "Well yeah…" He rolls his eyes towards the ceiling again and he says nothing else. Buffy's not sure if she should be in shock or just except something like this from him. She shrugs, "I guess we might want to clean it up?" Spike looks around and then pauses when his eyes rest on Buffy. He slowly takes her in, drinking up every bit of her. "Hmm… maybe later luv." He smiles wickedly. But Buffy seems unsure.  
  
"Come on…" Spike smiles again coaxingly. But Buffy frowns, remembering. "I really don't think it's a good idea. I'm just so confused right now. I mean out in the woods… I'm not even sure what happened. But to tell you the truth, it scared me. It scares me to know that I can't control myself around you." Spike ignores her words and comes closer to her and wraps his arms around her waist. He presses his mouth against her ear and whispers, "Oh I know that luv, I know that perfectly well."  
  
She tries to edge away from him, but it's so hard. She can feel the lust pulling at her. It was so hard to resist. "Stop resisting Buffy, you know you want to." His perfect English accent sends chills down her back. He slides his hands lower. "Just one more time," he pleads in a husky whisper. "It'll all be worth it."  
  
Buffy gives into him, letting him take over for once. Sweet surrender. Love wraps them into each other's arms. Buffy's heart is pounding so hard and she finally realizes how strong her feelings for Spike are. Even if it really wasn't love, everything about him was just so right. She knew she felt for him, despite all he's ever done. She finally whispers the words Spike's longed to hear. "I… love… you." Spike breathes in sharply, and he almost winces expecting her to steal the words back as fast as she had said them. But then she doesn't, he smiles in relief and runs his hands through her hair. "I love you too Buffy, I always have."  
  
Buffy feels slight remorse in embellishing her feelings but Spike, she felt, was falling apart. Every time she ran from him, his haunted wails of anguish would follow her. They invaded her dreams at night and caused her to wake up sobbing and longing to comfort him. She was so confused. She wanted to know if this was love, and if it wasn't what exactly was it?  
  
They lay entangled in each other for hours. They felt so completed. What they thought had been missing was together. Spike was in ecstasy with Buffy beside him. The scent of her surrounded him and he felt he was on a cloud where he was untouchable. Buffy was on fire. Her feelings surged and thrashed against her chest so hard. She felt she could hardly breath. But she only clung onto Spike more tightly. 


	3. Chapter 3

Sleep curtained upon them. Buffy dreamt she was in a black room. A giant flame burned steadily in the middle. Suddenly Spike was in the flame. He didn't burn, and he didn't scream. He just stood there staring at her, until he reached his hand out. She felt drawn to him and soon found her hand in his. But the fire burnt her and her screams echoed off the black walls. Spike only smiled and drew her into his arms. Her screaming ceased and coolness washed over her. She felt so safe again.  
  
Spike could feel Buffy's warmth but he felt frigid air in his dream images. They flickered by… Drusilla whispering he had found his golden cherry… him as a small child holding his mother's hand… then winter scenes drenched in ice. Something was wrong here. Spike woke up shivering. He pushed himself closer to Buffy but it did no good.  
  
Buffy slowly came to consciousness. "What is it Spike?" she says softly. "I-I don't know, I'm just so cold." Buffy tries to cuddle closer to him but he pushes her away. "What's wrong?" Buffy asks with concern. "It…just doesn't seem real," Spike spoke sadly, "This… after all this… you, your love, it doesn't… fit. You just spoke the words I wanted to hear, but still you seem so… cold, your emotions frigid. You're clinging to me, but I don't feel… what I'm supposed to feel." Buffy looks at him angrily, " And what exactly are you SUPPOSED to be feeling that I'm not giving you?!?" She yanks herself off the bed and stands in front of him, in all her vulnerability and asks, "I told you that I loved you, what more do you want?" Spike sits up and leans on his hands, the sheets tangled around his middle, "I don't feel warmth… I only feel your want, so cold, and so…" he trails off, "unlike you."  
  
Buffy stares at him, trying to understand what he's saying. It sinks in, she knows he can feel it now too. She didn't want this to happen. She wanted to keep it hidden. But here the truth comes, slamming her in the face. She drops to the ground and rests her forehead on her knees. "I'm sorry," she mumbles. But really, she feels her heart cracking, the pieces are jamming into her chest, tears are creeping into her voice. "I'm so sorry." Spike falls back onto the bed. Neither of them say a word. It would be too much to speak with all their emotions sparking the room. It would cause the room to blaze. Buffy hugs her knees so tight and wishes this wasn't real. But what Spike said felt like the truth. She wanted to try it on and wear it for awhile. Maybe it was just what she needed right now. Maybe she was just using him until she could learn to love him. "I think I should go," Buffy stands up. "I think you should too," Spike answers still lying down, his eyes closed. Buffy swallows hard, trying to smooth the lump in her throat and pulls on her clothes. Buffy says nothing and starts towards the door. This time she isn't running. This time Buffy knows that she's dealing with something she can't run away from. 


	4. Chapter 4 (END!)

Buffy walks out into the afternoon sun. It trinkles across her face and warms her body. Just like Spike, Buffy thought with remorse. Why couldn't she just love him? Why was all this lust getting in the way? Buffy wanted the crystal blue sky to steal her thoughts, but it was only pressing them further into her. She couldn't understand what she was feeling. It was like she was free falling, and there was nothing to break her drop, only the sharp, empty darkness.  
  
Her thoughts wonder back to her dream. The fire… it must be Spike's passion. It has to be. That's how strong it is, that's what it feels like. A fire, burning so deep and beautiful, but at the same time so dangerous. She felt out of control. She didn't know what she would do with him around. She was really afraid. That's what it was. Buffy was scared of giving herself to him. Because, in a sense, she'd be giving up part of herself. But Buffy was a slayer, she was supposed to kick ass and own all of herself. Was she even supposed to fall in love? Could she?  
  
Buffy was so lost in her thoughts she didn't even know where she was going. She had actually walked out of the graveyard and towards the Magic Shop. It was a source of comfort, and she'd probably see the Scoobies. But to her surprise, when Buffy peered into the shop window it was closed. Just perfect, she thought bitterly, I need to talk but no one's here. She ran her hands through her hair and didn't know what to do. Her feet were set on bringing her back to Spike. She gave in and found herself walking back towards the graveyard. She wasn't exactly surprised that this is what she wanted to do. She always wanted him, she just didn't always love him. Maybe she never had or maybe she doesn't even know what love is.  
  
As she came closer and closer to his crypt, she was losing her gusto. Her feet were slowing down and her heart was thumping hard. What would she say? How could she convince him that she really did love him? Did she really love him? How could she figure this out in the next few seconds? Before she could even figure out one word of anything, Spike came bursting through the his crypt door. The sun had just sunk below the horizon and he practically flew into the night, he was fiercely smoking a cigarette and mumbling under his breath. Buffy caught words such as, "Bitch. How could she…. I knew it…. Fucking…." She wanted to stop listening but she wanted to know. What did he think about her? She knew he thought she was a bitch sometimes but what else. How was he dealing with it all?  
  
Spike didn't notice Buffy standing at the edge of his crypt, he didn't hear her straggled breathing or her pumping heart. He could only feel the burning, aching, twisting pain in his body. It sent him soaring above everything. He was exploding again and again. It seemed like nothing could stop the seeping agony. Spike opened his mouth and sent a chilling moan into the air. Buffy felt it and her whole body tingled with morning, she didn't want it to be like this, not at all. But she didn't rush to comfort him right away. She felt mounted to her spot, like it was something too precious to give up. But another moan sent her spiraling towards him. She grasped his hand and wanted to beg for forgiveness but gave him more tears instead. Spike understood. He pulled her into his arms and they felt each other so intensely, not even the sun could pull them apart.  
  
Moments later, words tumble past Buffy's lips, "I was afraid, and still am. I don't know how strong I can be. I want to love you and I'm pretty sure I do. But you need to reassure me. I can be so weak and forget all that I am. Can you be there when that happens?" Spike reels into her, "Of course, I can always be here Buffy. I don't understand why you couldn't see that before. Every time I told you that I loved you, you never even began to answer me. Every time we made love, you ran away. You want me to reassure you but how can I if I'm not even sure if you're always going to be here?" "I will be here, always. I think I can be. I'll try. That's all I can promise you. I know I want to be, more than anything. I want to be in your arms forever. But sometimes the fear is so booming, I can't even think straight. I always wanted to run away, but I can see that this isn't something I can run away from. Love is inside. I think I really do love you, if you can believe that." "Well, you might need to reassure me sometimes too. That you love me. Because, luv, I think we can start loving each other, if we help each other out a bit." "Mmm-hmm," Buffy slowly draws in to kiss him. Their lips meet and blaze. But instead of blazing sadness, it's fiery intense blazing love. It ignites the night. It's all beginning. Buffy and Spike have finally found their love. Neither one of them will ever forget that. 


End file.
